Tis the season to be jolly! Falalalala lala la NO!

Nothing says Christmas more than mandatory time with your family. Now that we are older, that time is more pleasant, for various reasons, but when we were kids? Oh boy, Santa Claus and the gift exchange were the end game, and the price we had to pay: going to family Christmas shows.

Tonight, in a festive, jolly, charitable -DEATH MATCH-, we will decide what is the most classic Christmas story based on

a) Christmas spirit
b) Music
c) Story
d) Costumes

Without further ado: lets get to it!

P.S In this article, instead of the usual funny and witty comments on the pictures, I will instead write down what noises or sounds I believe they are making on their various poses. Thank you for your understanding, goodbye

A boring as -fuck- story who had the correct idea to die in a corner when it first got published, with only the boss music by Tchaikovsky being worth a damn, unfortunately it rose into popularity after the late 1960's (one of the many mistakes of that time).

Story (rant incoming)

So, basically the entire story is about a wealthy (obviously) family that starts off by shoving their wealth in the faces of the audience by displaying their awesome possum of a Christmas tree. Already, nobody gives a shit, ok?

In addition, you have this Drosselmeyer who CLEARLY is a magician that creates lifelike dolls out of the orphans and homeless, but fuck it, its just peasants am I right? Then it all goes super weird like some sort of fever dream or something, and apparently, the protagonist Clara wakes up to check on the nutcracker, and the Doselfuhrer or whatever starts spamming rats? And she shrinks, or everything else gets bigger? Then the Nutcracker is leading gingerbread soldiers into fight against rats and. What. The. Fuck. Is going on?

The story just derails after that, and its basically just a fever dream a really really wealthy kid would have due to eating all the candy on Christmas eve. Oh and the Nutcracker turns out to be a prince, because off course, and they end up boarding a sled and going off to get married or some shit. Whatever, its dumb, the entire thing is dumb. 1/10

Music

Well, its Tchaikowsky, so I guess its alright. Not my favorite of his two ballet suite's I have heard. (Unless he wrote the music for Giselle, in which case. 3)

I guess it has some good songs, but overall I think its full of that, annoying Christmas "whimsy"? The entire thing is basically why people make fun of ballet.

But, admittedly, the music is not the worst part. 6/10

Christmas Spirit

10/10. It is the ballet that is about everything that people hate about Christmas. Or love, depends.

Costumes

Well, depending on where you see it, it only gets fancier. solid 7/10 here. You can bash on ballet all you want, but we have to give credit where it's due

Ooooooh shit. I have seen this one SO many times, primal feelings rise up the moment I consider writing about it, and not the pleasant ones. Anger. Anger and rage well up within my SOUL.

But, I am a professional, so I will do my job and be as objective as I can. Lets begin

Christmas Spirit

A very solid, steady 3/10. Story has nothing to do with Christmas, and it is a genuine concern of mine, why the fuck do we get such a crazy increase in the amounts of Swan Lake posters we get shoved in our face during Christmas time.

Music

10/10. Fight me. This is the best music made by Tchaikowsky. Hands down. My advice: Go to the ballet, close your eyes, play your pokemon on switch or DS or what not, and just jam it out with the music. 10/10 worthy experience

Costumes

I cant. EVEN with this shit! (Ok people, back on track). This is why I hate going to the Swan Lake.

The thing is god damn simple, swans prancing around, and a prince. I do not, for the love of me, understand WHY they have to go balls out, guns blazing, ride or die, when it comes to making the costumes for THIS particular ballet super simple. Now, you may ask "you complained about how over the top they were in the Nutcracker, now you complain how simple they are, what gives ol' chap?". One word: Balls.

I am a man who likes practical things. Things that you can put to use. Naturally, I don't see eye to eye with Art often. I understand and respect it's value and necessity for the human soul, but I am not a big fan of how much it tries to overplay it's use and necessity. Sorry folks, but someone has to say it. If all paintings and art burns in a cataclysmic horrifying inferno, the next day, I ASSURE YOU, the human race will survive. Not only that, it will be as if -nothing- changed. So calm your tits about art already.

So, when I have to go watch a ballet, I am already halfway through the door, eager to get the hell out of there. So, naturally, when someone starts jumping around the scene with his penis bulge inches from my face, I think you all can understand how, that will not make my evening any better.

5/10. They are majestic true, but too much penis

Story

It is a 5/10. Why? Rant mode on:

Story is, naturally, about a prince and a princess. They fall in love, boring things happen, then some weird ass sorcerer with his chick show up, announce that the dude will marry the princess, and when people are like "uuuhm, no because you are ugly and you smell" he just flat out curses the princess and abducts her. Various things ensue, prince wants to find her, finds her, mischief happens, people dance, warlock dies and rich fancy people live happily ever after.

Not a terrible story, like the Nutcracker, not an offensive one like fucking Giselle. In all honesty I would rant more, but I guess I threw all the anger towards the nutcracker, and in all honesty when it comes to the Swan Lake, my reaction is just "meh"

Hands down, the most Christmas-y of them all. This is by far the best Christmas show, play or whatever you want it to be.

Christmas Spirit

IT HAS CHRISTMAS IN THE NAME

Story

It is THE BEST! It is a fun story about an old fucker that gets visited by three ghosts. Already that is top tier storytelling, because you take the Christmas "whimsy" and take a dump on it. Screw your jolly, we got real life lessons in this shit! We got fucking, Khamûl the Easterling go from Nazgul to "old man rehabilitation" ghost, reminding Scrooge that if he continues being a dick, he will mess him up so bad he ends up dead and alone. How is that not 10/10 story?

Music

It has songs, it has dance, it has Muppets!

Costumes

IT. IS. A. MUPPET. FILM! Top notch.

You know the best part of it though? Nobody has to force you to watch it, you watch it because it is the best! And that my friends, is why the Christmas Carol wins!

Merry Christmas everyone!

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