Jedi Academy of Parks and Recreation 7: Oldies But Goldies

STRAP ONTO YOUR BUTTS PEOPLE! We are about to get into hyperspace! This is the contender for the best game of our teenage years and it comes just now, from a galaxy far far away. YAY SCIENCE JOKES

That joke is probably gonna make only me laugh, but I don't care my sweet potatoes. This is it. Jedi Academy, the sequel to Jedi Outcast: Jedi Knight 2, this game blew the tits out of any and all star wars fans that got their hands on it.

With the ability to create your own custom protagonist named Jaden. Though no relation to Jaden Smith, both have an equally shallow emotional range, but thankfully the game's protagonist is of little to no consequence.

Admittedly, both the name and the general blandness of the protagonist is understandable, considering how the customization of your character meant that you would could pick from a plethora of races, including Rodian, Twilek and the other monstrosity of an alien Plo Koon was, not to mention male or female.

Create your own version of Jaden and witness in boredom as you have to watch him go through the cutscenes interacting with famous Jedi like, Luke Skywalker and.....the bearded guy I guess. Live through the incredible plot twist of your best "friend" Ross fall to the dark side in a twist that is to surprises what a birthday cake is to a party. An absolute boring necessity.

Scream confused at the screen as Jaden apparently considers Ross his/her best friend, despite the fact that Ross has been, on a constant basis, trying to repeatedly murder, undermine and insult you every chance he gets, marking Jaden as the Jedi with the worst self confidence in the history of the universe ever.

Stare in confusion as the only thing that shows whether or not you are leaning towards the dark side or the light side of the force, is only based on what force powers you choose. As far as Luke is concerned, you can be a murderous berserker covered in blood, tearing out spines with his bare hands on the field as long as you mostly have light sided force powers on your arsenal. AND THEN YOU WONDER WHAT WENT WRONG WITH KYLO REN LUKE? SERIOUSLY?

Graphics? Oh boy lets talk about the graphics. In a traditional Lukasarts style, the action gameplay and wacky engine offers for some incredibly satisfying animations both in combat and in death. Watch the stormtrooper you just push off the edge of the building flail his hands as he screams falling to his death. Or watch him struggle as he falls on his knees holding his hand, staring at the part you just removed, as he screams, just before you slice him in the FACE for good measure.

Download ALL the mods adding realism to the game's mechanics, or just take the game and blow out into the space of the weird and bizarre. From blood mods, that enable you to enter a room with your pristine and clean precious face and clothes, and exit the same room, with blood staining everything from your face to your shoes, as the walls are painted red and the room is now decorated with mutilated stormtroopers.

Laugh at Luke as just as the above happens on -every- mission -ever-, he praises you on being a champion of the light, just because you don't bother with the dark side powers. You want katana mods? you get katana mods.

But what about the game you say? From one handed sabers, to one on each hand, to the darth maul glowstick of DOOM, zip zappidy zoop around the battlefield and engage other pathetic excuses of force users in glorious saber combat.

Dont, even get me started on the force powers. Oh my god this game is the best game ever!

Live your dream on becoming a jedi with an array of force powers. The "neutral" or "universal" powers all force users use, are automatically raised by a point in each section of the campaign. You know, the "boring" ones, like force push, force pull, force speed, force Jump, lighsaber deflecting the pew pew etc.

After each mission, or before you start each mission, whatever, you get to place one point on any force power you so desire. Are you going to be a Jedi, and place it on either
Force Absorb (to absorb enemy force powers)
Force Protection (to get less blown to bits by rocket launchers)
Force Heal (to close those bullet holes with magic) or
Jedi Mind Trick (to turn invisible, because if you could tell people what to do that would be OP)

Or are you going to be a Sith, and choose from the standard cliche dark side powers like
Lightning (Unlimited Powah)
Force Drain (When you have a vampire fetish)
Dark Rage (You hit hard, you move extra fast but you lose health in the process) and
Force Grip (Vader choke a bitch or toss him around on walls making a funny noise)

The choice is yours. Now, I know all you edgelords what you are thinking. Force heal, lightning, rage and I will be a dark but good jedi and all that. Yes. You -can- do that. Or you can be a proper MAN and just put Absorb, Protection, Heal and laugh in the face of Palpalata as he just feeds your force power fuel by shooting unlimited lightning, as you just ignore it and slash him into sith kebab.

From personal experience, Universal powers are the best powers. Push stormtroopers off cliffs, buildings, into each other, into space, out of space, into boiling acid, into lava, in water, in trash compactors, in love, the possibilities are endless

In a more serious tone however, sound is nice, with music from the orig-trig (pronounced oritz-tritz) and every sound effect you would expect from any Star Wars game that respects itself. With a plethora of biomes, levels and enemies to fight, the game offers a substantial and surprisingly fun to replay, main story campaign, and numerous fun game modes and multiplayer options. With a community that still remains rather strong and the modding scene, this game makes me want to re-install it just by talking about it.

In all honesty I can keep talking about this game until the end of time, so I will just wrap this up.
If you are a Star Wars fan and a gamer and you have for some reason not played this game yet, then you are a scruffy nerf herder and need to get this game like yesterday!