Age Of Catapults

The game that started it all (I think) age of empires gold was set in the ancient times, both for pc gaming and historically speaking. Clunky path finding, weird physics, even weirder unit voices but awesome music the game took up hours upon hours of my time. Despite not having lasted the test of time due to great imbalances in the game, lack of variety and off course the grand success of Age of Empires 2, today's story will be about the first time I realized, as a kid, that the AI predictably always makes the units with the highest stats in skirmish and how that, in Age of Empires gold is not as dumb as it sounds

It was a dark winter. A lonely winter. Society had collapsed, language now devolved back into the good ol proper words, like "erectus" "abedacus" "hitite" and the feared war cry "aramis". Without any tech tree nonsense, the Greeks had to struggle at first. Wearing nothing but towels waist down, they had to make sure they would gather food, gold, stone and wood, else it would be a short winter indeed.

With phones down and technology back at the literal stone age, there were few, if any, distractions, and soon, academies were built, massive bodybuilder men wielding clubs learned how to swap their clubs for axes, and people started to re-discover basic things, like the wheel, chariots and how old grey men shouting nonsense are oddly convincing.

It was a good time for my people. We were starting to build docks, trade was established, farms built, civilization prospered. However the first signs of the oncoming darkness appeared in the form of other people, having the audacity to wear different colored towels under their waists. That outrage should not be allowed to exist in the post apocalyptic bronze age of 1997 A.D. We cornered the heretic between a tree and a few blankets tossed around the floor. That seemed to confuse him, and we managed to shoot him about 37 times with longbows, and hack him about 79 more times with bronze swords and axes, but we felled him.

He would be the first casualty in an endless war that would doom us all but, oblivious, we cheered.

Racing who would reach the Iron Age first, the skirmishes were brutal and costly. Elephants would perish by bow and spear, only to have my sword legionaries cut down by cavalry and Scythian chariots.

The old men of faith from both factions tried to convince the enemy of their wrong ways, only to be cut down by a barrage of arrows every time with little effect. Some, sought safety at sea, only for that to be denied. Juggernauts and Triremes haunted the waters, but to be Greek is to own the sea, and eventually the battle at sea revolved around Greek triremes hunting down lone fishermen and attacking them with like, 20 or so ballista missiles.

On land, the great Greek tropical deserts were soaked with the blood of the fallen. With my Minoan allies we were starting to push, but in those dark moments of history, we had to sacrifice the life of my ally, to destroy one of my two enemies. As the Minoan civilization resigned, overwhelmed by Roman old men and Yamato Scythian chariots (?right?), The final villager and town center of the great Roman empire fell at the hands of a bunch of centurions pointing aggressively at it with spears.

It would be a fierce one on one. Seeing how my enemy was starting to shun the use of military units and instead opting for catapult production, I figured this would be easy. I retreated and started to raise an army. Longbowmen, Centurions, Legionaries, Cataphract cavalry units, even a few elite war elephants were drafted, and we begun our march towards the snowy pine forests of the Yamato empire.

The fog was the only thing between us, and dominance

Then, outside of our line of sight, a ray of light, lit up as a catapult opened fire at us. Then another. Then another. Then one more.

Well crap.

I sent my cavalry forth to eradicate the pestilence that is the five catapult squad the enemy had spread and sent towards me. But alas, it drew out the last non catapult/balista units the Yamato had, and the battle turned bloody.

Friendly fire, arrows, explosions, multiple shouts of "Rogan" and "Aramis". The sun was starting to set, and it was not looking good for me. I was creating more troops like crazy, sending waves after waves, eventually crushing the remnants of the army the Yamato had. Now with nothing to protect their catapults, victory was mine!

Then I realized why the AI was predictably only building catapults and balista. Their stats were the highest in the game, despite their very slow speed and predictable arcs, which means they were in theory the best units in the game, though in theory easily countered by cavalry. But yeah, that turned out to be bullshit.

I started to push, catapult after catapult would collapse, only for me to see two more illuminated behind the fog of war. Archers were obsolete, as by the time they finished shooting an arrow they would be crushed by rock and missile.

Elephants, the strongest and most buff unit in the game would be drowned by a rain of rocks and missiles. The industry of the Yamato would create endless, upon endless, upon endless of catapults and balistas and for the love of my life, I was starting to run dry on resources.

With significant loses, an angry and afraid populace, and the endless rolling of siege weapons creeping ever closer, I decided to micromanage the last assault of cavalry I had. My fleet, long since scuttled to feed the housing need of my soldiers, the tactical use of a handful of troops managed to finally tear open a hole in their line, and we broke into their town. Eager to lay waste, my wounded soldiers laid waste to their towers and rushed towards the base. Only to hear the same, ominous, god damn sound.

A catapult launched a rock at us. Then a ballista. Then another ballista. Then another catapult.

With little warning, without glory, without any chance of survival. The Yamato's base was once more cloaked in shadows.

The Greeks tried to copy their methods. They tried to set up defenses. They even considered summoning the evil forces of darkness to send them photon troopers but it was too late. With catapults coming in virtually endless waves, defeat was inevitable.