Thunder and Steel – Thor vs Aragorn: Tussle Association

They are hairy, they are buff, they are sexy (no homo) but most importantly, they slay in the name of Good. Today we will pit two of the best fighters Hollywood has given us and see who is the most honorable noble fighter.

Is this a post about religion? Some of you might ask that. Well yes and no. Throughout movie history, protagonists in fantasy or generally epic movies always display some of the good ol "Christian" values America wants to shove down everyone's throat. Some are more subtle, having their spiritual conflicts masked as questions of morality and simply trying to do "what is right". Others are not so subtle in their parallels with Western Christianity's morals.

Today we will rank our two contestants in three categories
a) Odds Faced
b) Body Count
c) Deus Vult quality (How they present their moral/faith related character arcs)
d) How they look in the camera. If they don't look awesome while they are defending all that is Good and holy, they do not belong in our hearts. #blessed

He is stoic. He is hardcore. He makes all the ladies swoon both in the universe he is in and in audiences. He is Aragorn. Sneaky in his approach in faith and the likes, Aragorn struggles with the idiotic concepts of destiny and not failing whatever higher power, or his blood or some other unimportant stuff, as he initially shies from becoming the King he was meant to be because reasons. Displayed in the movies, with some growth as a character, he eventually gets pimp slapped by Elrond who is like "Yo, quit bitchin and get this sword to murder stuff and tame ghosts bro" to which he replies "K thanx" and proceeds to do just that.

With a soft side, the stoic romantic won over the ladies, and the heroic, dwarf tossing suicide jumping murder man won over the Men. But how many points does he earn in our totally valid scale?

A) Odds Faced: World Conquering Naz...I mean Orc Invasions led by Adol...I mean Sauron. No need to sugarcoat it, the parallels between WW1 and Lord of the Rings have already been discussed by many. Aragorn faced high odds, a relentless enemy powered by almost unending industrial might. Stakes were not on his favor, but to be fair, they were not insurmountable to begin with.  No points here

B)Body Count: I will not even bother. +1 point here

C) Deus Vult Quality: Average. Not in your face religious or downright divine, Aragorn is a good person struggling to do good. Though the influences of western religion are obvious in specific quotes such as the fact that he asks Gandalf to believe Frodo is alive because of that warm fuzzy feeling in his heart (#vomits), Aragorn is easy to digest for everyone

D) Camera Flair: We gotta admit it our boy Viggo here is loved by the camera. All of his shots, have this "you know you want it ladies" feel, even if he is dirty and tired after slaughtering half the orc population of Mordor. +1 here Viggo.

Total Points: 3/4 "He can Waltz into Mordor" status.

A literal god of Norse Mythology, Thor is a ginger hammer wielding angry forge/god that, like most Norse gods, likes to bash people's teeth in. In Marvel's universe they replaced the ginger god of Thunder with a blonde Australian dude that makes most men insecure about their sexual preferences. Like seriously.

With more obvious Western morals shoved down our throat, Thor begins the movie doing what all Norse gods liked to do. Beat Ice giants senseless. But instead of being praised by Odin (who is a war god, just saying) he instead is told that he has to learn responsibility and humility and all the things Jesus teaches. Now, why do the Norse gods would want that, I do not know, as he should be praised for his behavior, since it results in the death of their enemies but hey. Hollywood for ya.

But how does he measure up to our fool proof scale of Awesome Warrior-ness?

A) Odds Faced: Considering this is about Thor and not the Avengers movies, I will have to admit that his movies had pitiful stakes at the very best. Learning to be humble? Bullshit. Facing a Dark Elf that kidnaps his girl? Whatever. Escaping and then fighting your evil Sister? Ok you guys are really scrapping the bottom of the barrel here. Though entertaining, his adventures never feel impossible. No points for you here Thor, go get some decent enemies.

B) Body Count. Although Disney makes sure to not show the aftermath of what it means to receive a hammer in the face when wielded by a literal god, it is safe to say that Thor has killed planets of people. Movie wise however, just for the wow factor his fights have, it deserves a point. Boop +1

C) Deus Vult Quality: Deus Vults, vaults? voults? you get what Deus does regardless. From a headstrong, aggressive, over the top proper Viking, to a humble, well mannered (sort of) altar boy, Deus most certainly Vult with the progress Thor has done. And with all the ass he is kicking for all that is good and holy in this world? +1

D) Camera Appeal: +1, not even gonna bother

Total Score: 4/5 "Puts the Thunder in Thunderstruck" rating

Both our contestants are heroic, almost equally so.

On one hand, Aragorn faces odds that seem impossible, but the only thing between him and major ass kicking is his slight emo phase that gets resolved at the Third Movie. With little development, Aragorn is an already developed fully fleshed character by the time the story begins. There is no time for him to "learn" anything major. The Third Age is a time of action. Aragorn was not called into it to become a better person, he was called because he was one of the best, and had to put his already sharpened skills to the test, and refine them

On the other hand, Thor, though facing less threatening odds (even in Ragnarok) we see that his movies mostly focus around Thor developing as a character, and/or getting rad new haircuts. Though not necessarily bad, it gets tiresome.The trope of Marvel protagonists going through a roller-coaster of being awesome, some bad shit happens, they become good humble altar boys/girls, some even more special amazing power unlocks because of this, they beat the final baddie no sweat, is getting rather predictable and tiresome. That said however, Thor's character development does make sense and is enjoyable to watch, as he still struggles with his more impulsive hot headed nature in every movie, even in the avengers. Thor is a fun character to watch in the screen regardless of nitpicking.

But who is the winner? Who has it all? Who is the most valiant warrior? Who does Deus Vult more?

HE PROTEC

HE ATTAC

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY

CROM GOT HIS BACK

With Arnold's depiction of the character as the only depiction (Sorry Jason Momoa), Conan the Barbarian scores 2 points on every category

A) Odds faced? Which one of the two? When he decides to kill an entire cult of snake loving people because ages ago one of them killed his mom? Or when he decided to go against anyone in his way and fought (and killed) a god mid way resurrection? Conan laughs. He laughs at the odds you put against him

B) Body Count? Do I -really- have to talk about Conan the Barbarian's body count? How about anyone standing between Conan and what he wants to do at that time?

C) Deus Vult quality? Deus MOST CERTAINLY Vult! Why? Because when Conan gets a crisis of faith and character he does not sulk, or go into exile, or need some other b rated side character to "cheer him up" or "show him the way". What Conan does, is simply stay true to his faith, pray to his god, and if he does not listen, to Hell with him!

D) Camera Flair: Have you -seen- the movies? Between Arnold trying to speak English and all the oil they used to shine his pecks, Conan the Barbarian had lens flare, before lens flare technology was invented. Not to mention motherfucking Mufassa's voice plays in Conan The Barbarian. So yeah.

Rating: 5/4 "Aeeeeaaaghaeaaaeegaghaagerha" in a Schwarzenegger voice rating.